The Support Conundrum

I know I’m not the only one, but dammit if I don’t feel like I’m falling apart all alone. I don’t know how to tell the people I want support from that I need it nor can I seem to bring myself to accept the support that’s been on offer because I’m afraid I’ll be judged or that support will be temporary.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “but you seem fine and this list of other people need stuff” or ” don’t start ” when I start crying or “it could be worse” or ” be thankful for what you have , you have so much” or “ stop worrying so much, what does that help?” All those things basically tell me “I don’t have the time and energy to support you, you’re not a priority- I can’t carry your problems along with mine, in other words: move on.”

I’m expected to be strong for everyone, I try to be that supportive friend and partner no matter what’s going on and I don’t know how to say- “the pressure is too much, I can’t do this, I’m drowning, help, please just help.”

Instead I swallow my tears, I swallow the scream building in my throat, I swallow the pressure building as I fall apart. If I ask for help from someone I’ll burden them, if I ask for help I’ll show I’m weak and need other people, if I ask I might be rejected and when you’ve dealt with the ultimate rejection and abandonment of a sibling’s suicide every person provides the opportunity for rejection and abandonment. I can’t even seem to support myself and I feel like nothing will get better. I tell myself these problems are nothing, you’ve been through worse, this anxiety is useless- but honestly I can’t believe these things, every problem no matter how small seems impossible to overcome.

At some point everything bottled up comes spilling out via migraine, deep depression and sleep for days, or just silence and staring off into space. I’m not ok, but I can’t bring myself to say I’m not ok so I come to my blog to scream I’M NOT FUCKING OK.

I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel like I can cry. I don’t feel like I can fall apart. I want to run away- but I know I can’t, people need me. I feel so needed to hold it together the cracks in my facade are now becoming chasms. I’m crying out for someone to pin me down and say “you’re not ok, tell me what’s going on, it’s ok to cry.” People cry with me often but I try to never cry to someone else and sometimes that’s a flood I can’t hold back, it’s a flood I shouldn’t hold back and yet I feel like I must.

Writing helps and yet a big part of me feels like it’s incredibly self indulgent. Literally, who am I helping? Who else feels this way? Am I alone? How is any of what I’m saying helping someone else? I’m angry. I’m angry that after 45 years I still can’t get it together. I’m angry that I chose to have some people in my life (not all) that don’t feel I need the amount of support they need from me. I’m angry with myself that I’ve let it get to this point over and over again. I’m angry that no one has said “I know you’re faking it.” I’m angry that I’m so good at pretending everything is fine that everyone truly believes it’s fine.

So I’ll hide. I won’t return messages. I stop talking at home and hide in the bedroom. I hide behind my phone. I hide in this blog. I hide every damn feeling I ever have that might hurt someone else so those I love don’t hurt because I can carry my hurt and theirs and everyone else’s- it’s arrogance and ego and fear and loneliness all wrapped up in one big mess I need someone to try to unravel. It can’t always be my therapist, at some point it has to be me. At some point I have to learn to be there for myself. I have to stop hiding, but it always seems to be the easiest way out of feeling defeated.

I push people away because I need to be rescued instead of supported. Being rescued is exciting and dramatic. It feels like I’m rewarding my hero. They’ve completed the quest of finding me, breaking down the castle wall, climbed to the battlements, unbound me from my chains, and carried me off in a warm embrace- but to get to that point you have to:

1. Ask me what’s wrong and get no answer
2. Text or message or call me 7 times without an answer
3. Hug me until I hug you back
4. Ask me what’s wrong again with no answer
5. Tell me it’s ok to talk to you
6. Try not to run away when I start sobbing
7. Ask me what’s wrong and begin guessing when I don’t tell you
8. Text or message someone else to see if I’m ok
9. Admit it’s your fault that I can’t talk to you because you haven’t shown you cared enough
10. Practically beg me to tell you what’s wrong

I mean- I can’t possibly be surprised when no one wants to go through this INSANE routine just to find out why I’ve turned completely inward. Do I like this behavior or think it’s healthy- of course not! It’s passive aggressive and manipulative!

I’m working on it. I’ll try to ask. I know who my people are. I know who I should be seeking out for help. I know who I should be talking to, I know what to say, I know how to listen and break down my own walls as incredibly painful as it is- it’s certainly not as painful as feeling this overwhelmed. It’s a matter of admitting the true issue is mine. It’s a matter of feeling safe, knowing who I can trust, and being open with someone when they’re not the person I need to support me. I know I can’t handle someone checking in for a second and disappearing – I need that constant “I’m here for you” message. It’s ok if most people can’t provide that. It’s ok to say I’m not ok. I’m reminded that I need to do the same for others, but only when I’m in a place where I can.

I know I have people I can count on, I just need to find the courage to admit I need someone else. I’ll re-read this until I find it. Until I have the strength to reach out. Until I can stop hiding and ask for support- because I shouldn’t try to go through this life alone and neither should the rest of the world.