Well, I disappeared for 8 months there didn’t I? I’d like to say I’ve just been busy and I have been on and off, but mostly I’ve been lazy and fighting with my body and brain. Figured no one would notice I was absent and I really write this blog for myself anyway.
Speaking of doing things for myself… I had my second cosmetic procedure in April, only a few weeks after the 2 year anniversary of my tummy tuck (which is the quickest way to say “I had 7 lbs of skin removed.”)
I had a mastopexy this time. Nope, didn’t get implants. I swear that’s the first thing everyone asks- oh you got a reduction and a lift and implants- right? No. I. Did. Not.
I truly learned how much I tie my identity to my breast size.
My surgeon says implants introduce a lot of risk for lift failure and nipple death (is there a more terrifying description of your nipple falling off? No.) Because my skin is very weak and thin, due to the massive weight loss, it’s more delicate and needs to heal before any other procedures. I know other surgeons would’ve gone ahead and given me implants, but my surgeon is a breast reconstruction expert and I trust him. I need to wait at least a year before implants can be considered since tissue is still settling and swelling is going down.
I can’t say it’s been great or even good. I never once looked back with my tummy tuck and thought “should I have done this?” But I’ve had that thought several times with this surgery. When the surgeon first took the bandages off my reaction was- I’ve made a horrible mistake. There was extreme bruising everywhere, my nipples were inverted, I was smaller- it was a giant, nasty shock I wasn’t prepared for and no one could’ve prepared me for. No one. Not my surgeon. Not YouTube. Not others I know that have had it done. It was no less than traumatic.
I truly learned how much I tie my identity to my breast size. A couple of my friends have always said things like “you’re cute and have big tits so you get whatever you want.” Really just jokes, but now I have to correct them- I think. I don’t truly know what size I am or will be. This big part of my identity has changed drastically and it was my idea. I still questioned that decision until I realized I was beginning to wake up to a toxic perception of myself and a few unhealthy behaviors.
I discovered I put a fair amount of my self-worth in my breast size even though they were mostly thin tissue and skin. I was really good at making sure I picked the right bras and arranging them to look fantastic- it was all an illusion. Several friends told me I didn’t need them done (uh… who does though? It’s elective.) They were perfect, they were a great size, why would I mess with them? My friends who’ve seen me naked got it. Victoria’s Secret made them look great, I wanted them to look great without a bra. And they do, to me- I don’t even need to wear one now.
Funny thing is, I noticed that people didn’t look at me the same way after surgery. When I first recognized this I realized, although I dress for me and what makes me feel sexy, I enjoyed being stared at when wearing something low cut or heavy on the cleavage. I understood the moment I began wondering why no one was staring at my tits that I’d reduced myself to an object. I was objectifying myself!
I’m building confidence day by day and getting used to my new silhouette.
The change has been so personally dramatic that I’ve fallen into depression, gained weight, constantly battled my ego- it’s enough to make me wish for a time machine to take it all back, and yet…
I’m so happy I made the decision I did! They haven’t looked this good since before my son was born and my areolas are actually the way I always pictured my ideal. They’re more evenly sized (although the left side of my ribcage is bigger than the right making the left my best side- ugh, thanks for pointing that out, Mom.)
It’s easier to exercise. I can wear off the shoulder and backless clothing because I don’t need a bra- not something I’ve ever been able to do. Bralettes fit without overspill! I can show off my sternum tattoo! I’m building confidence day by day and getting used to my new silhouette.
Yes, it’s been dramatic, but it’s also been very illuminating. I see now that I’m far more hard on myself than others. I diminish my reflection in the mirror by nitpicking every tiny imperfection when others don’t even notice. I can’t fix everything and that’s because I don’t need to nor should I want to. Self acceptance and love is key and has always been my goal. I may have been going about it in a way that’s not helpful, not wrong, just not completely effective.
Will I have other skin removal surgeries? Not likely. These surgeries really take a toll on us physically, mentally, and financially. I mean we could’ve gone to Europe twice on just the two procedures already- it’s all out of pocket and Idaho tends to be an expensive market for plastics. My husband certainly doesn’t care about the extra skin nor wants me to change anything else and he absolutely deserves consideration too.
It’s owning my sexy and exuding confidence that’s attractive to me and others- not just physically, but mentally as well.
Will I ever get implants? I don’t know, but if I do I want it to be because it’s how I want to see myself, not how I want others to see me. I don’t need the validation. I don’t need to find my self-confidence in what’s attached to my chest. I’m sexy no matter how big my breasts are and will remain so regardless of whatever else I do or don’t do to my body.
It’s owning my sexy and exuding confidence that’s attractive to me and others- not just physically, but mentally as well. It’s an aura of humor, openness, and joy in life that puts those around you at ease and brings the right energy into your life.
So that’s the last time I’ll talk about my breasts for a while. They’re healthy (mammograms and even a biopsy of the tissue from surgery were all clear), they’re beautiful, they fed a baby who turned into a damn fine adult, and they’re all me! ❤
Take your left arm and wrap it around the right side of your body. Then take your right arm and wrap it around the left side if your body. Now squeeze! Big hug from me to you.